I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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