Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
