So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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