is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I need moral support for this bender
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
