you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
