Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
