I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I intend to get homeless drunk
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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