Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
they're like a gay fantastic four
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
