it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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