i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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