Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
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