you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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