Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
