If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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