1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Everclear isn't food dammit
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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