I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
