Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(410): View more from Maryland

So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?

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(813): View more from Florida

just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together

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(609): View more from New Jersey

How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?

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(330): View more from Ohio

hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?

(614): View more from Ohio

is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?

(330): View more from Ohio

how did you know?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.

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