So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
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you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
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proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.