Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
