you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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