May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
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I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
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Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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