the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
