we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
