Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
