I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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