That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
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Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
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I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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