What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Randomize
