I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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