he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
