I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
