Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
