none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Randomize
