The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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