Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Randomize
