found the other keg... it's in the tree
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
