Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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