dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
