its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
