I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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