I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
