made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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