we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
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