Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
