Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
