i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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