I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
