I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
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She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
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He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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