I'm laying in your front yard are you home
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
