Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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