I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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