I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Randomize
