The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
