my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
