Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
