Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
