Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I wish you could order shots online.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
