Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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