I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
